Raising kids is hard.
No bones about it.
It’s joyful and wonderful and super rewarding.
But it’s also confusing, challenging and sometimes scary when we think about sending them out into the world each day.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is seeing our kids go through something tough.
Much as we’d love to protect them from all the challenges in life, it’s not possible.
What we can do is help them to become more resilient in the face of those challenges.
Resilience is not just a quality we’re born with, it’s a skill we can learn.
And childhood is the best time to start.
Here's why...
By teaching our kids the skills for resilience from an early age, they will be strengthening good neural pathways in their brain.
Specifically, it will help their reflective brain (the logical, analytical side) to take over from their reactive brain (the more impulsive side) in times of stress.
What this means is that when challenges arise your kids will be better able to process them from a calm, thoughtful place rather than an overwhelmed one.
This will serve them well throughout life.
Ok so how do we do that day-to-day?
To help our kids become resilient we first need to understand what resilience is - and what it isn’t.
Being resilient doesn’t mean that we find life easy or that we don’t experience big emotions. It’s about:
Accepting that life is difficult at times but knowing that we can tolerate that and the big emotions that come with it.
Realising that we have strategies we can use to help us cope in difficult times and find solutions where we can.
Recognising that we will eventually come through those difficult times and that even along the way we can still find moments of pleasure.
So how do we help our kids with this?
When kids have a strong connection with a trusted adult in their life it helps them to feel more secure and gives them space to express and come to grips with their feelings.
Knowing they have this safe place to retreat to will in turn give them confidence to go out and navigate the world around them.
We can create this sense of connection with our kids by:
Carving out time to spend with them.
Giving them our undivided attention during that time.
Talking about feelings and naming and normalising emotions.
We know that life is full of competing demands and sometimes it’s enough to just get through the day with everybody fed and watered.
When it’s possible, having some regular time where we’re able to give our kids our full attention can make a big difference.
It could be going for a walk around the block together or making time to chat when you tuck them in at night.
During these moments, let them talk about their feelings and reassure them that whatever they’re feeling, it’s ok.
Encourage them to name their feelings. ‘I am feeling happy, sad, angry...’.
Studies have shown that this can make a powerful difference because it activates the part of the brain involved in processing emotions.
So, when we name our feelings, it helps us understand, process and manage our emotions in a healthy way.
This is useful throughout life.
It also illustrates that we are not our emotions, they are just something we’re experiencing at the present time and that feelings pass. They're only temporary.
Now let’s look at how we help them with some coping strategies...
When big feelings overwhelm us, it helps to know that we have tools we can use to calm us down. This is important for kids and adults alike.
When we feel frightened, stressed, angry or threatened our fight or flight mode kicks in. This can make it harder for us to think clearly and see our way out of a challenging situation.
By taking slow, deep breaths in those moments we can help activate our ‘rest and digest’ mode instead, so that we can respond from a calmer place.
Pausing to take some big belly breaths is a powerful tool for soothing our systems, at any age.
The more we practise belly breathing, the more it becomes a habit that we can switch into when we need it.
Movement can also be a great tool to use when emotions are running high.
Exercise, especially outside in the fresh air, can boost endorphins which naturally help us to feel better.
Heading to the playground, going for a walk, a bike ride or kicking a ball around can all help to diffuse stress and your little one will learn to keep this habit in their calming tool kit when they need it.
Now let’s look at how we help them to look for solutions...
Part of building resilience is being able to problem solve and look for solutions when we need them.
When your kid is struggling with a situation, encourage them to think out which bits they can control and which they can’t.
This will help them realise that there are things they can do but also that many elements of life - like other people’s behaviour - are out of our hands.
It’s the hardest thing in the world when your kid is unhappy or confused not to leap in and fix things, but see if you can resist the urge to solve the problem for them.
Keep calm, ask them supportive questions and allow them to do the thinking.
Another way to help them cope with disappointments is to make sure that our kids don’t beat themselves up too much when things do go wrong.
We want them to have the courage to give things a go, knowing that they’ll be ok even if it doesn’t go their way.
To build those skills, look for opportunities where they can try new activities and be ready to embrace the inevitable mistakes when they happen.
Allow them to take some risks in an environment where the consequences won’t be too drastic if things go awry.
You can also boost their confidence around what they’re capable of by giving them small responsibilities that are age-appropriate.
Let them know that it’s ok if they don’t get it right the first time and help them get back on track.
Getting to make some decisions and letting them have some autonomy will make them feel good about themselves.
Finally, let's see how we can help them tune in the good stuff.
Sadly we can’t eliminate the hard times in life, but we can train our brains to notice the good stuff that is around us all the time too. We can do this by:
Helping our kids to figure out what they’re good at and what makes them happy and making sure it’s a regular part of the day or week. Not only is doing things we enjoy a really important part of our overall wellbeing, but having fun elements to our daily routine helps us cope with and recover from difficult times.
Celebrate the little wins everyday, rather than focusing on big goals. Point out their little daily successes and remind them that they don’t have to be good at everything but it’s the effort that counts.
A great technique that helps to combine all of these things is to play ‘The Peach, the Pit and the Blossom’ at the dinner table or at the end of the day. This is where each person shares:
One thing they enjoyed from their day or that they felt proud of themselves for.
One thing that challenged them.
One thing that they are excited for or looking forward to in the future.
This activity helps to cement the idea that we all face challenges all the time, but we can find solutions, we can focus on the wins and the things that make us happy - and that there’s always a new day waiting just around the corner.